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Thursday, March 30, 2017

You've been duped! Specifically, I've been duped

I consider myself to be pretty smart, except when it comes to matters of the heart. I might lie about my age, sometimes my dress size but I don't play with people's emotions. Either I like you or I don't. And you will know either way. The fakest thing about me is my hair color.

So, I cram to understand why I keep taking a dude at face value. It's obvious that this generation of men are skilled at one thing. Not good sex. Not great communications. Not good food. These men are angry liars! They lie so well that they make fiction look autobiographical.

Did their mother's not love them as children? Are they trying to make the women in their lives pay for their mother issues? I'm going to go with yes.
It's been my experience that when you reach a certain age and you're still single, it seems as if you're subjected to broken men with a point to prove and lies to tell. Then these motherfuckers wonder why a broad gets an episode of Snapped.

Listen, I'm tired.
Today for instance, I get an Emoji text from a dude I haven't heard from in months. Can you use words. I'm a writer, I like words.
So this conversation led to this question, Miss me?
There was a time when I would've texted back some cutesy little, yes. Of course I miss you. But today was not the day. Again, months have passed since I've talked to you and we haven't gone out since I got free tickets to a basketball game on my birthday —last year. What the fuck am I supposed to miss? This is a mystery to me. Please call Scooby-Doo and his friends to give me a clue.

Then it's like, another damned Emoji and this stupid message: You must have a boo now.
So what if I do? What effort has you made to get in that position and why do you care? 
I'm tired. 
You know what, I don't even care anymore. A long time ago, he might have been Ralph Tresvant, but by the time I meet him his ass is coked up Bobby Brown.
I'm good. 
Stay over there. I got books to write.

Monday, March 27, 2017

I think you should let it burn!

I will admit it, I can be petty where my heart is involved. Just like tonight while I was spring cleaning and found a picture that was taken this winter. Me and Doo-Doo head. I had purple hair and a big smile. He had on a Dallas Cowboys hat and those damn dimples were popping. I cut the picture in half and burned his face.

This is a pattern with me. A) I make horrible decision when it comes to the opposite sex.
B) I have a photo album full of half pictures.

I would say, I'm going to do better,but at this point, I don't care.

March 1, I turned 40. Yes, I'm legit telling my age. The big 40 is a milestone for some people. When my sister turned 40, she had a huge party.
Many of my friends who have or are turning 40 this year had huge celebrations or are planning them.

What did my dramatic ass do? Looked at a list that I must have written in my 20s about what my life would look like at 40.
It was kind of depressing. . . That my goals were so small and traditional. I could slap the shit out of my 20 year old self.
1. Be married.
(Why? Had I gotten married, I'm sure I'd be divorced now or a favorite episode of Snapped for somebody)
2. Have a son.
(I have three. Thank you brother and sister)
3. Write a book.
(At least I wasn't totally crazy)
4. Be the editor of the Washington Post
(I should have worked harder on this goal)

I did make a video of me burning half of the picture, but my petty is only at 45 percent today. Not going to post it.

Operation dating for content, starts Now!

Friday, March 17, 2017

My love life is melancholy as hell . . .has been for a while. . .

When I write love stories, people always ask if it's based on things that I've gone through.
Let me stop laughing. We all know that romance novels have a feel good happily ever after. Cheris Hodges relationships Do. Not.
I thought this was something that had just happened, but I found an old mix-tape/CD I made in the late 90s after a break up with some dude.
The songs include, A Dream by DeBarge, Kiss the Pain Away by Patti LaBelle, There's Never Be a Better Love by Switch, I Don't Ever Want To See You Again by Uncle Sam (remember him?). And I wasn't even drinking back then.

What's funny is when my love life is in a drought, like right now, I get so inspired to write about "Prince Charming."

I remember when I thought I met Prince Charming in 2006. But he ended up cheating on me with a chick who looks like Ursula the Sea Witch from the Little Mermaid. I made a CD that reminded me of him. I thought I'd lost it (or smashed it to bits like I did the Playstation he'd given me) but it was in with my other old disc. I popped it in and listened to the sappy songs I'd play every time he came over. Well, not sappy, but sexy. Heavy on the Prince, International Lover, Scandalous, Insatiable, Do Me, Baby. I can't believe I actually used my good Prince on that jackass, but I digress.

I believe I wrote my least favorite book while I was "so in love" with Dookie head. But after we broke up, my muse was on fire. And Alicia Keys's Girl On Fire became my theme song.

And let's not talk about the number of times I had to talk myself out of setting his house on fire! My mantra was, Orange is not the new black for you.

So, I killed him in a book, or thought about it. I believe the scene was cut because it didn't add to the story. Sometimes, you have to let the petty go for the sake of the plot.
New rule, though, if I decide to date again — I. Am. Only. Dating. For. Content! I've kind of had it up to here with this new generation of singles.
And as much as I love watching Snapped, I don't need my own episode.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Why Adonis Creed is the ultimate hero

There are two scenes in Creed, that get me every time.
The first one is when fine old Adonis Creed, played by my boyfriend in my head, Michael B. Jordan, twists his girlfriend's hair. For a natural girl like myself, that is straight swoon worthy. It's not that it's an overtly sexual scene or even erotic, but it's so damned endearing. That soft and sweet lovely stuff that happens just when you're falling in love. Not only is he twisting her hair, but they're talking about their dreams and hopes.

And it's Michael "Bae" Jordan. He became Bae in that scene alone. But then he loses his cool at Bianca's show because he found out that he's in danger of losing another father figure. He goes slam off on some dude and practically ruin's old girl's showcase. After he gets out of jail for being stupid, he rushes to her house and bangs on the door.

She's ready to give him hell. Tells him off and is ready to write him off. But Creed shows his pain. He tells her that Rocky's dying and that's why he acted a jackass.
Man, just take my panties now.

One step, one punch, one round at a time.

Then he goes back to being a bad ass fighter man when he walks to the ring to the sounds of 2Pac's Hail Mary. Did I say he could take my panties yet? 
Hollywood Creed is the kind of man that you want to cheer for, make love to and get up in the morning and cook him breakfast —and I'm talking about using real butter on the hotcakes. 
A boxer is the ultimate Alpha male and Bae played that role like a champ! 
If it sounds like I'm a little obsessed, then you're right. I'm going to log off and watch Creed again, for the 50th time.